1 f Jef, Foolish Feelings

I've spent the last 10 days seeing life through the eyes of children,  two sets of parents, a grandmother, one of my best friends, and my own two eyes.  The children really opened my eyes to a world of innocence and love.  Seeing life this way made me realize time is short, time is not on my side and that I shouldn't  take it for granted. I need another vacation to recoup from the one I just got back from....I now know what exhaustion feels like......it was worth it.  This was a mind cleanse.  Rid the brain of  the old and stale.  Start filling it back up again with new memories.  It's fun to have an inner child that loves to come out and play. And what better place to get lost in is at Disneyland....and then cleanse my soul and free my mind of clutter than by being on a beach, smelling the salty air and taking photos of some of the most beautiful sunsets I've seen in a long time.........

I talk to myself and I don't feel bad talking to myself because I'm actually holding conversations with my inner child. She has some answers to questions and thoughts that often plague me with doubt.  I'm learning to trust her, my inner soul.  So far, so good.........as long as I don't answer myself, I'm not crazy.....or am I?

Sarah, my dear inner child, sometimes wishes, for a brief moment or two, that she was younger, prettier, and not so married.  The not-so-married part is when 1 f Jef comes in to the picture.  I would have loved to be the Valentine date this year.  I'm pretty sure I am not the only one who wished the same thing.  Twitter was alive with wanna be's........except for the ones that are totally blaming 1 f Jef for the Jemily breakup.  I have to admit that this was a good piece of marketing strategy on People Waters part.  It worked as it funded several mechanics to fix wells where they are needed.  Do whatever it takes to promote the good.  I really want the girl who won the date to spill the beans a bit though.  I'm sure 1 f Jef was or will be (has he done the date yet?) a gentleman, as he always is.  Well the gentleman that my mind thinks he is anyway.  Again, doubt is trying to creep into my gray matter.

Monday nights sesh with the Bachelor is driving me real close to the nearest alcohol rehab center. That is if drinking a glass, although brimming, with fermented grape juice constitutes me being an alcoholic, then so be it.  The popcorn that gets popped prior to the show, Charlie the dog is getting fat from eating what I throw at the screen.  I've been doing that a lot lately, throwing the popcorn.  I thought I had Seans season figured out, and I am still on track I do believe, that it's immaturity on all levels of the playing field.  The girls are young, too young I think for this show.  I still feel they are fresh out of high school.  Sean is young, good looking, but also a bit boring, and it's not his fault.  Chris Harrison is also boring.  Too serious and he appears to be bored also.......the live tweeting from everyone was boring.    Even 1 f Jef was boring.  No fun, no pizzaz. It would be nice if he would interact more with his fans on Twitter. But, then there are the stupid people that take it upon themselves to post something stupid and lame, after he tweets his comments.  So, on the other hand, I don't blame him for not interacting more.  But, he could, if he wanted to.   Arie Jr, didn't have much to say.  Apparently, everyone fell asleep during last nights viewing.........my inner child was even quiet last night, until it was almost over then she became overwhelmed with the crazies that she begged to be let out and so I did...........

What I need now moving forward is more hot and steaming.  Overnighters are here.  At least with 1 f and Em, I knew what they were thinking by the look on their faces......priceless......and damn, too bad "role model" came into play.   My inner child will not keep quiet on Tuesday nights sesh with Sean.  I just hope it's got a bit more stamina to it or I am going to lose it.   I am not impressed at all this season with Sean.  Love the guy, but not the show so far, except for when Catherine comes into view.  She's my personal favorite.  She has that gleam in her eye that tells me she has a little devil riding on her shoulder from time to time that likes to come out and play.  Nothing more needs to be said.  I'd almost go for watching Bentley all over again on Ashleys season.  At least he was entertaining, even though I wanted to kill the SOB.............

While I await Tuesdays date with Sean.........1 f Jef still is heavy on my mind. I don't like the fact that Katianna is back into the scene, but it seems that when 1 f Jefs friend, TR Gourley is around, so is Katianna Bear......Are they joined at the hip?  Where one goes, the other follows too?  Oh, well.  Mistakes are made, and mistakes are corrected.  1 f Jef, come to the party dude, and make up your mind.  Are you with her? Or not?  I still care, but self respect on your part is leaning a bit and might be toppling over....I know you don't have anything to prove to anyone other than what a marvelous company you have.  One of my favorite country songs has a line in it, "these foolish feelings are still fooling me"......fool me once, but not twice.  You won't like the results.  So quit pussy footin' around and let the cat out of the bag and tell us...........for real........is she your main squeeze or not?  If I knew, then maybe I could move onward and upwards, instead of taking a downhill slide every week when the shit hits the fan from the presses.  Why do I care?  1 f Jef really is none of my business, but he's become my business and everyone elses, when he signed on the dotted line as a contestant on the Bachelorette.  Bonus for us he came out the the fiancee  of what I thought was a beautiful love story, a romance novel in the works, a happily ever after love story.........My thoughts are a bit cloudy it seems lately.  I'm hoping for some clarity at some point.  One thing for sure, I still need to follow my heart, my soul, and my gut instinct.  Prove me wrong 1 f Jef.  Prove me wrong that you still don't have the feelings, the "you are my everything", about Emily.  I don't see that kind of attachment with anyone else.  Whomever that someone else might be if not Em, has some pretty elegant shoes to fill.  No one in my book will never have the same chemistry that radiated out of the TV screen as you two had.  Never, ever...........and the best home date.......ever!!!

I can get on with my life now until next Monday. I've decided that I am not a gumball machine filled with pretty words.  I cannot put a quarter in me and expect pleasantries to drop out on a whim.  But if I try hard enough, I can replace those negative, awful tasting words, with something sugary, sweet and colorful.  I will try to do just that.   I'm better than that.  I don't like talking trash about people and I've given in to the sins of trash talk.  Forgive me Sean, for I have sinned...........just perk the rest of the season up a bit, okay?  I'd love to have a cheshire cat grin on my face.......and I hope tonight is worth watching.  Popcorn....check.....Charlie the Dog.....check, check........I'll nurse one glass of good grape juice, color to be determined.....check, check.....and check.......and hopefully some good twitter therapy.....check, check, check, and check.